Trying to be happy with my own art

I’m someone who has made a form of art over the course of 6 years now, although I only been releasing my songs since 2022, and one thing I find myself struggling with a lot is being genuinely happy about the end result of my creations.

I love the process of making my musical works; since that allows me to express how I feel, want to say, etc in an art-form I adore so much. I can create a lot of scenarios and moments in music where I feel like I can say whatever I want.

However, there’s one thing that I genuinely struggle a lot and that is the aftermath of said process. Like how I perceive the finished pieces of what I’ve been making over the years.

I mean, there are a few songs of mine that I adore or at least hold to high regard, but even these are subject to many doubt over what if I did something wrong, what if I made something that people don’t like, what if I’m screwing things up to the point that nobody wants to listen them?

Admittedly, one thing I struggle a lot is with external validation. It’s very rare for me to be happy for myself and by myself, I need other people to tell me if I did something right and if they tell me I did something wrong I instantly doubt myself. This applies to many things, including in the musical format.

For example, I felt extremely validated in my musical craftsmanship when I did really well on the Battle of the Bits Spring Tracks XIII competition. I fucking managed to get to 5th place out of 272 even o_o. But then there were the times I struggled a lot, like for example other competitions in the same community where I got placements like 69th out of 241 or 176th out of 348.

I know that I shouldn’t judge the overall quality and personal viewpoint of my art due to how bad (or well) I did in some music competitions time to time, and that I’m the one who ultimately decides the relationship with my own music. Hell, even one of the admins of that very community is pushing this very idea.

But still, a part of me still feels like I need the proof that my music is either good or garbage according to some arbitrary score and ranking in some competitions I’m part of. It might be due to childhood trauma and all, considering that I was the goody two shoes kid in school who felt pressured to obey her teachers and felt pressured to have a perfect grade, while also felling that anything below that was the proof that I am a failure.

I know in hindsight that such thinking is total garbage, and that it has harmed me a lot over the years. And hell, I’m not a goody two shoes anymore lol: I’m now an anarchist transfem rebel :3

But anyway, back to the topic. One of the things I struggle to learn in general is to love myself despite the everything in the world, and that is reflected in my relationship with my music.

I want to be someone who is happy about my own art no matter what. Even if it does terrible in a competition or isn’t accepted by the majority, I still just want to make something that is ultimately my own unique expression. I want to make my own story in the musical format after all.

That means letting go of all this baggage I have in my head and soul and not let this worry and doubt consume me. I mean, It’s okay to seek feedback about some aspects about my art, but one thing I want to stop suffering from is what I described prior.

This also will mean that I will finally make more unconventional and experimental pieces of music, I’m otherwise afraid to make due to fear that they will be poorly received of even subject to backlash; even though there’s a whole experimental music community and culture around the world.